My last post was a year ago. That doesn’t surprise me. This past year was hard for various reasons. Getting into a new job, then changing that job to fit what our family needed was a big one. Dealing with relationships that aren’t nourishing my soul was equally as big. Realizing that no one is going to take care of me, but me was maybe the biggest. I already knew that one, turns out I just forgot, or decided to ignore it.
I turn 40 this year. When I was in high school 40 seemed ancient. I still feel like I’m in my 20’s in some ways. I definitely don’t act mature in the way that most people would describe mature. I’m silly and loud and I just want to enjoy my life. 40 looms ahead of me reminding me that I need to take care of myself and get myself together. What life I have ahead of me is mine to squander doing the wrong thing or wasting with the wrong people.
I’m writing again. I’m reading again. I’m putting time in my day to do these things. It’s handwritten on my calendar. Even if it’s 15 minutes. I’m doing it. I joined a kickboxing gym to work on my health. Last year I probably wouldn’t have spent the money. But aren’t I worth it? Isn’t my health worth it? Turns out I love hitting things. It feels GOOD. Easy decision.
I’m setting new boundaries with folks. Some are harder than others. Some boundaries overlap those that I love the most so they are trickier. But my heart is worth it. I’ve spent a good portion of my life feeling unloved and there are so many wonderful people who love me, not a version of me but the actual loud, messy, me. There’s no reason to waste my heart on anyone who feels that lying constantly to protect their bad behavior and their mistreatment of me is okay. It’s not okay. How can I work to help make the world a more loving place if I’m allowing myself to be treated with anything less than love? Doesn’t make sense.
So difficult things are happening. Also really great things. Exciting things with amazing people. 2018 has to be better than 2017 and here’s to realizing that I also get to choose how it’s better.